Thursday, August 21, 2014
As I close in on the last 5 days of my 50's, I am finally coming to a place of acceptance. Ever since January 2013, I have been in fear of this. And now, here it is: a 6.
6 seems like such a big number. It brings to mind the idea that I should be in a place in my life that is settled, which I am not. It brings to mind "contentment," which, yes, I must admit I have that. But 6 also has had the connotation, for me, that this is the "out to pasture" stage, which I am sooooo not! But it also brings up my mortality more than ever. In truth, our mortality is ever present from the day we are born--but 6 says "old age" is coming, there's no denying.
When we have our lives ahead of us--at 20, 30, even 40--who the fuck plans on old age? I mean, even 50 didn't phase me seriously.
But now--the number 6 is here. I am past middle age. I'm in the last third, if I'm lucky. The third act, which will have a dénouement and then the curtain will close. Yikes!
Granted, it has occurred to me what a blessing this is. Make no mistake, I'm thrilled I have my health and vitality. I get to do work I love. I have friends and love in my life. My children are beautiful and thriving. I still have a libido--yes, I said it. I look younger than my age. I take care of myself and have done so for many decades and I am reaping the benefits.
And yet, the downside of living so well--clean, sober, healthy, fairly sane--is that you get to get old.
Ok, so I am coming to some acceptance about it now. There's nothing I can do about time marching on. I am powerless over it.
Oh, the tired cliché "youth is wasted on the young" is so true here though. Sometimes I just wish I could have had this centeredness, this wisdom, this experience and depth of soul when I was younger. Sigh.
But I have to remember NOW, today, that I will never be THIS young again. Tomorrow, I will be one day older. Next year, I will be one year older. And in 10 years, I will be 70. And I will look back on my fear of turning 60 and think "what the fuck was my problem?"
So I feel like I should thank all my dearest and closest friends for putting up with me these past few months. They have witnessed my fear of the "Big 6."
I want you all to know that I thank you and feel so grateful to you for letting me thrash. I want to let you know, right now, that I am over it. Chin is up. Gratitude crown has been set back on the top of my head. My heart chakra is wide open. Saturn has returned and started it's 3rd trip around the sun for me. My world has not come to an end. In fact, it has exploded into infinite possibilities.